


Ain't it a Beach

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [19]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Beach balls, Beaches, Comedy, Dogs, Fetch, Gen, Lifeguards, Nudity, Poodles, Porta Potty, baywatch - Freeform, crying children, frisbees, hot dogs, just kind of stupid, swimming trunks, tans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 18:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19729447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: John Wick and the Administrator go to the beach.





	Ain't it a Beach

**Author's Note:**

> The nineteenth in a time diverting and admittedly stupid series.

One bright and sunny day, John Wick picked the Administrator off of the couch and dragged him to Coney Island. The bureaucrat would later blame it on the "Baywatch" marathon. All the man knew was that one minute he was sitting on the sofa watching some woman run along the beach in slow motion and the next he was standing on a beach with a fully clothed assassin and his panting and drooling dog.

Pamela Anderson was nowhere to be seen but the Administrator took this as a blessing.

"You're not in a bathing suit," the pencil pusher stated as he looked at John Wick.

"Neither are you," the assassin retaliated eyeing the shorter man.

"You pulled me off of the fucking sofa," the Administrator sighed. "I didn't have time. You didn't even ask me if I needed to use the bathroom first."

"Did you?" John asked curious.

"I'll go buy two pairs of swimming trunks," the pencil pusher grumbled as he went to make a purchase, stopping along the way to use a porta potty.

* * *

When the man returned he had two pairs of trunks, one of which he tossed at Wick.

"Here! These were all they had left."

The assassin held out the trunks. They looked as if they were made for a man who only worked Christmas Eve and had eaten one too many cookies.

"We can both fit in to these at the same time," John Wick stated.

The Administrator gulped. "I have my own so don't get any funny ideas. Mine are just as bad. Just tie them at the top so they don't fall down."

Both men emerged from the changing rooms resembling clowns instead of beachgoers.

"I told you I hate clowns. Is that 15 million plus bounty still on my head?" John Wick asked.

"Yup," the Administrator confirmed.

"Good," Wick stated. "With any luck somebody will know who I am and kill me."

"You were the one who wanted to come here," the High Table servant reminded him.

John Wick could only hang his head in shame.

* * *

For close to an hour the Administrator watched as John Wick played fetch with his dog. He had never actually witnessed it before and would have, in all odds, found it dreadfully boring except for one fact: the dog never brought back what the assassin threw.

When John tossed a Frisbee the dog would bring back a ball.

When the assassin flung a piece of driftwood it brought back the Frisbee.

Once when Wick threw the ball the dog brought him back a Nathan's famous hot dog. Which, to the Administrator's horror, the hitman actually ate.

"John," the bureaucrat finally decided to broach the subject. "Whenever I'm at work you tell me that you play fetch with your dog but...he doesn't seem to be very good at it."

"I know," Wick replied seriously. "I think he has a learning disability."

" _Or_ a very bad teacher," the shorter man countered.

" _Or_ he gets distracted," the assassin suggested.

The Administrator decided this theory had some weight as the dog stopped not retrieving his master's discarded objects and decided to fetch a cute miniature poodle instead.

* * *

While going to get another hot dog, John Wick was attacked by an assassin disguised as a lifeguard. The impolite hitman tried to strangle Wick with the string around his whistle. Wick was struggling; it was difficult fighting back while trying to keep your swimming trunks up.

Seeing his roommate in peril, the Administrator grabbed a beach ball from a crying child, pierced it with his earring, and quickly sneaking up behind the lifeguard, administered a beach ball of death by suffocating the man with it.

"Thank you," Wick thanked him, his voice hoarse.

"I thought you wanted to die," the bureaucrat smirked.

"I had second thoughts about doing it in these trunks," Wick stated.

* * *

Sometime afterwards, the Administrator was lying on the beach trying to get a tan when he saw John Wick waving out to him in the water. The assassin had decided to go for a swim and the Administrator only hoped that Wick had remembered to wait 30 minutes after having eaten the hot dog.

The bureaucrat wanted to ignore the hitman and resume his tan, one got pretty pale being stuck in an office stamping all day, but he thought better of it and swam out to the bearded man.

John Wick waited patiently, only his head and shoulders above the water, as the pierced man swam towards him. The Administrator halted for a few seconds looking somewhat flustered before resuming.

"What is it?" the pencil pusher bristled when he was close to the assassin.

"It's my trunks," John Wick informed. "They were too big. They fell off and drifted out to sea."

The Administrator stared at him.

"You don't believe me?" John asked.

"No," the other man answered. "I believe you. The same thing happened to me when I was coming over here."

The two men floated in the water, looking longingly at the shore.

"What the hell are we going to do?" the bureaucrat whined.

"This isn't a nude beach by any chance?" John Wick asked.

The Administrator stared at him incredulously. "John everybody is wearing clothing."

"Good," the hitman said. "I hate nude beaches. There's only one place I can keep my gun."

The Administrator was curious.

"Do you have your gun still on you?" he asked.

"Yes," John Wick replied.

The Administrator was no longer curious.

After a few more minutes, Wick held up his fingers. "Look, I'm getting wrinkly."

"We've got to find a way to get to our clothing," the pencil pusher stated.

"Or get it to come to us," Wick said seeing his dog on the beach.

The Administrator sighed. Having seen the dog fetch he had no hope.

Still it was worth a shot.

Time after time, the Administrator watched as John Wick commanded his canine companion to fetch their suits only to watch as the dog paddled out to them with something else entirely.

Already they had collected a pair of sunglasses, a sun visor, some headphones attached to a now waterlogged mp3 player and a gold watch.

"This isn't working," the bureaucrat complained.

"Yes, but he's getting better," John beamed proudly. "At least you can wear all of these."

"Great," the man in the glasses said. "We'll look real cute: me in the visor and you with the gold watch around your dick."

"The gold watch is too small. It wouldn't fit around my dick," the hitman stated flatly. 

The Administrator looked the other way.

"Your cheeks are red," John Wick commented.

"Sunburn," the shorter man explained.

"Look...I have an idea," the assassin revealed.

John Wick explained it and the pencil pusher frowned. It was a stupid idea but it was there only hope.

Once more John called for his dog. This time, however, when he came the two men swam with it back towards the beach on the way back. When they were close to shore, they each grabbed an end of the dog and held it sideways in front of their crotches.

They looked at one another and smiled; it seemed to be working. If they managed it just right they could make it to the changing room and get their clothing on without anybody noticing.

The Administrator suddenly froze.

"John..."

The assassin followed his roommate's eyes until they landed on the cute miniature poodle having returned to the beach.

John Wick and the Administrator looked at each other in horror as the assassin's dog struggled out of their hold and away from their bodies.

The two men stood completely naked on the beach, all eyes upon them.

The child, who had her beach ball stolen, started to cry again.

**Author's Note:**

> If the actors want to film that last scene I have no objections.
> 
> And because Bob Barker is no longer with us I will do if for him: Remember to have your pet spayed or neutered! Unless its health is at risk, of course.


End file.
